So look; Nobody wants to go out and mow the lawn. It’s not on anybody’s list of fun things to do with an afternoon. But your wife took the older kids to Scout-o-Rama, so it’s just you, the three-year-old and the baby, and they’re both asleep or busy and you feel like a dolt just sitting around doing nothing.
So you go outside and try to get the lawnmower started up and then remember to put gas in it and drag it out front and fire that puppy up and pretty soon your lawn is clean and short and has those lines in it that say you’re a responsible home owner instead of some punk kid who somehow managed to buy a house and doesn’t deserve it at all, not that you ever feel that way. Nope.
But you’re not done yet. Pop open the garage door and grab that new cordless trimmer/edger thing. Grab a battery pack off the shelf and slide it into place with a sweet click like you just jacked a fresh clip into your 9mm, because you’re about to go all Dirty Harry on those blades of grass that defied your mower. Three minutes later the fence line is clear and you do that twisty thing with the edger, flip it over and start shaving the lawn along the curb, trimming that line so straight you could use it as an example for boot camp barbers, but your edger is starting to lose its zest for life.
No problem. You’ve got four battery packs for this thing. Click, slide, click and suddenly that sucker is off to the races, sounding like the angriest metal hornet ever forged. You clean up all the curbing around the flower beds, then go in the house, grab a bottle of milk from the fridge and get it warming up, because not only are you the manliest dang weekend warrior on the block, but you are sensitive and nurturing as crap and you’re going to spend some quality time with your newborn as soon as you get all the rogue grass around the newly planted peach tree cut down to size.
Here comes the cool part, slide that battery pack out of the edger, slap it into the blower. Turnaround time: 5 seconds. Two minutes later your sidewalks and driveway are clean enough to do surgery on. You got your lawn looking good and looked good doing it. And with a lawn like that you don’t worry so much about those last ten pounds you haven’t been able to lose or their 40 good friends. Now it’s back in the house to give that baby a bottle and make sure he’s clean, happy and dry before your wife gets home.
Baby’s not awake yet, so you go get some laundry in, because real men wash they own clothes, dog. Baby wakes up just as you finish putting all the clean laundry away, so time to sit down on the couch, prop your iPad up on its sweet lime green case/stand thing and watch some Phineas and Ferb while you feed your new son, because not only are you extra manly and super sensitive, but you’ve got a whimsical streak a mile wide and people like that about you.
Later that night you’ll install a new doorknob on the shed because you’re handy like that, but for now just pay attention to your son and the animated antics of overachieving preteens. Not bad, kid. Not bad.
Matt Youngmark’s Thrusts of Justice is out today, in paperback and on the Kindle! It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure book that allows you to take on one of three awesome superhero personas and fight crime, and admit it; you’ve always wanted to do that. Click on the text link above to check it out!
I’ve only just started the book, but it’s much like Matt’s other works, which is to say well written, funny, and full of action and awesome characters. Seriously. Click the pretty picture or the text link and buy your copy right now. If enough people buy the book today, the very day it’s released, the world will be a better, freer place; where independently published books can challenge the big publishing houses and all of us can choose which ending we like the best.
A Superhero is You!
Once the 80’s misfit teenager ranged far and free across the American landscape. from John Cusack to Molly Ringwald, if you could pretend you were a high school outcast who had big dreams and a desire to win you were on top of the world.
However, I’ve noticed that ever since 1989 people have stopped making stupid 80’s teenager movies. Oh sure, people tried to make a similar film in the 90’s, movies like Chasing Amy and Mallrats, but these movies didn’t have the same flair, the same élan, or the same bone-headedness of the classic 80’s film. To help remedy this situation and to inspire all the budding filmmakers with a desire to make something truly brain-dead I humbly offer this guide to making stupid 80’s movies.
Stick to the Recipe
To make a stupid 80’s movie you have to stick to the recipe. If your main character isn’t a high school student having a hard time fitting in your movie will fail. If the parents in the movie have brains, or even anything resembling a serious part in the film people will suspect your masterwork of being something introspective or even deep, and nobody wants that. No, like a great sonnet, you must work within the framework, and only use the plot elements that have been so well-tested over the years. Specifically:
High School Students
Even if your main actors are old enough to be PhD candidates, you need to portray them in high school. And not just any high school. Your 80’s movie high school is covered in graffiti, the halls perpetually packed with an assortment of punks (colorful hair), preppies(colorful sweaters draped over their shoulders) and jocks (wearing team colors, of course). If anyone is not wearing bright colors they will be your nerds. They must laugh at space jokes, wear brown pants above their navels, and be generally looked upon with either scorn or pity, depending on the character looking upon them.
Against this backdrop you will place your protagonist. If male, your protagonist will wear a tie that is less than 2 inches wide at its widest point and a sports jacket. If female, your protagonist’s hair must be no less than 3 inches taller than her actual skull. In terms of wardrobe you have more freedom with a female lead, but remember that she has to clean up nicely for the big dance, where she will wear something with shoulder pads that would frighten a linebacker.
Your antagonist may be one of the following: The school administration, the jock boyfriend of your male protagonist’s love interest, or the preppie ice queen that actively seeks to destroy your female protagonist’s dreams of finally being socially accepted.
Again, your dilemma is tightly proscribed, and must fit within the high school milieu. Perhaps your main character needs a date to the prom, or maybe they will be denied some life goal if they don’t get their grades in line by the end of the semester. Either way, your protagonist must solve this problem within one week, two at the outside.
Once you have truly mastered the art of stupid 80’s movies you may consider the third-party dilemma. This is where the romantic interest has a problem and the protagonist must help them solve it, usually in a way that would make no sense at all. Saving an old house from being torn down by winning a boat race, for example. The third-party dilemma gives you more room to experiment, but also walks the line between stupid 80’s movie and standard romantic comedy, and should be used sparingly.
While your main couple are fine and all, you can’t really have a stupid 80’s movie without a good supporting cast. Your main character’s best friend, for example, will often define the tone of the movie, and should get the lion’s share of the memorable lines. There should be a younger brother who is either silent and brilliant, or insanely talkative and vapid. In either case the younger brother will be obsessed with finding an attractive female companion. His success in this endeavor is immaterial, so long his antics are sufficiently comic.
It is not uncommon for the love interest to already be romantically involved with someone at the beginning of the movie, and that someone should be an intensely shallow, self-centered icon. Male or female, they should wear pink and have blond hair. You may worry that the audience won’t accept the fact that your love interest, whom you have written as a sensitive, intelligent, and caring person, has willingly paired off with such a dud. For the most part, as long as the romantic interest ends up with your protagonist all will be forgiven, but if you feel the need to have the romantic interest explain their choice, the standard “[He/She] used to be different, before [he/she] became head of the [basketball team/cheerleading squad]” formula is sufficient.
The music in a stupid 80’s movie should be from the 80’s, of course, and no pains should be spared to emphasize the 80’s-ness of it. Any piece that doesn’t have a synthesizer should be rejected out of hand. Themes ranging from new love to lost love may be used. At some point, usually at the prom, there should be a live band, who should endeavor to look as Californian as possible. Brightly colored suits with white loafers are acceptable. There should be two keyboards on stage, a Roland and a Yamaha. If you have a female singer in your live band she should look as much like Cindi Lauper as your budget allows.
Speaking of your budget, a large portion of your production budget can be covered by a few well-placed pizza boxes or soda cans. There’s no reason to write the names of these products into your script–that would be too obvious–but any time a group of friends is gathered to celebrate some minor success be sure that they do so with Coca-Cola and Pizza Hut. Particularly savvy producers can even get either Roland or Yamaha to pay for the Cindi Lauper impersonator, but be aware that they will ask for a long keyboard solo in the middle of your dramatic-conflict-resolution-at-the-dance scene.
And there you have it. Follow these steps and you will be on your way to making quickly forgotten teen movies like a pro. Join us next time when we take a look at making nightmare-inducing children’s fantasy movies using rubber masks and puppets.
There’s a card that my sister-in-law gave to my son for Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those silly little Valentine cards that you’re supposed to buy for the entire class, so it’s not actually romantic, it’s just socially acceptable. But it’s making me crazy. Again, not because I have anything against Valentine’s Day; I don’t. Instead it’s because of the pun on the card.
The card features an image of a lion. In fact, other than the text (I’ll get to that in a moment) that’s all there is on the card. his be-maned features fill the card from edge to edge. The problem isn’t the lion. The problem is the text.
“Theres(sic) no lion,” it says above the lion’s face, in blatant contradiction of the facts at hand. It finishes it’s sentiment underneath the lion’s face, stating “You’re great!” A nice, positive, affirming message. Sure, it’s one that is usually associated with a large cartoon tiger, but we can accept that. The problem is the whole “lion” pun.
I realize I’m over thinking this, but when something says “there’s no lion” I expect to be greeted by an entire absence of the king of the jungle. One cannot behave like this in polite society. If I were to say “there’s no giant gaping abyss” while standing at the edge of said abyss, I’d be seen as a lunatic at best and a public nuisance (and perhaps a danger to very gullible or distracted people) at worst. So when a card that is meant to be given to a student in a classroom lies like this it doesn’t sit well with me.
What bothers me even more is that the joke could have been done just as well if the top half had said, “I’m not lion”. While still unacceptable if we assume that the image on the card is the speaker, this rendering could be construed as true. The person who created this card most likely did so in Photoshop, and lions as a species have thus far failed to master any part of that program, so we can accept the original author’s claim of non-leonine heritage. Likewise, we can accept that the sender of the card, most likely a student in the third grade, is not a lion, and has called attention to this fact. The card further emphasizes the point by including an image of a lion, perhaps for comparison to the features of the sender to further strengthen their argument. Seen in this light, the “I’m not lion” line works infinitely better than the disingenuous lie “There’s no lion.” But the makers of this card felt otherwise, and I’m left to deal with the wreckage.
Perhaps they included the top text as a way to put the recipient at ease. A way to say “I realize the lion in this picture is quite realistic, albeit minuscule, but rest assured that the envelope in which I delivered this card to your shoebox-cum-mailbox is devoid of any form of big cat. The bulge in the envelope was caused by the small, chalky candy that you have probably already eaten in your panic” as it were. In this light, considering that they have reduced a paragraph of Hawthorne-ian proportions down to three words, they have succeeded grandly, and pulled off their safari-related pun at the same time.
So, it is in this reading, and this reading only, that I am willing to accept the card maker’s statement. Any further attempt to justify their blatant regard for facts will result in a return to my pedantic and neurotic state, and nobody wants that.
(Note: this post will make zero sense if you don’t play Magic: the Gathering. But what’s the point of being a huge nerd if you don’t occasionally put some inside jokes out on the web?)
So, for some reason I’ve been thinking about what all the Planeswalkers will be doing during the Innistrad block. We know where Sorin, Liliana and Garruk are, but what about Jace? And Chandra?
Yes, this is the sort of thing I think about. and while I was thinking about it the other day I made up stories for what all the1 planeswalkers are doing. Enjoy.
- Ajani is in a hospital somewhere recovering. Anyone dumb enough to take on Bolas in a Duel Deck situation deserves what they get.
- Bolas, of course, is back in his pre-planeswalker library, reading some Hardy Boys books. he always looked more comfy in the old days.
- Chandra and Gideon were last spotted by the planar paparazzi sitting by the pool in a very nice Lorwyn resort.
- Elspeth, rightly worried that everyone will forget about her if she isn’t in every single themed block, is trying to break into Innistrad. However, there’s a sign at the door that says “you must be this gothic to enter” and she just can’t put on that much mascara.
- Liliana will be the next Avacyn. She needs power, needs it now, and there’s not really any other good reason for her to be in Innistrad. It’s entirely possible she’s the one who killed the old Avacyn, and this would be a good comeuppance for her.
- Sorin, of course, has come back to Innistrad to kick butt and somehow create angels, and he’s all out of wings. Or something. I’d like to see how he talks Lilly into becoming an angel.
- Garruk will leave Innistrad without Liliana’s head on a pole, and will be so distraught that he’ll go straight to New Phyrexia and kill a few hundred giant twisted monstrosities to make himself feel better.
- Nissa will spend the entire block sitting in her tree house drawing hearts around her new “Sorin, Lord of Innistrad” poster.
- Koth and Karn will be starring in a tasteless comedy version of their escape from New Phyrexia called “Weekend at Venser’s”.
- Jace is working on a spell to break into our plane and do some serious mental rearranging on the people who banned his best card.
- Poor Tezzeret. Whatever’s going on, his life sucks right now. Get better, big guy! Hoping you feel less possessed soon!
- Same goes for Sarkhan.
- currently alive planeswalkers from the main game, not from Duels of the Planeswalkers [↩]
Even sixteen years later, I still can’t think about the time I spent in Boy Scouts without my stomach knotting up.
For six years I was asked1 to spend one night a week with people I wasn’t terribly fond of, usually playing basketball, or pretending to plan a camping trip, while internally I was planning a way to get out of said camping trip. I’m sure to those involved I appeared sullen and angry, which was accurate, but pretty much only in that setting. People who knew me then know that I was really a pretty happy guy, overall.
So why this hatred for the ol’ BSA2 ? Anyone else who grew up not only knowing the word “bibliophile” but actively applying it to themselves already knows the answer to that question: bullies.
Yes, this was a church sponsored troop. Yes, we had leaders who were supposed to keep that sort of thing from happening. But more than once it was the leaders themselves who were the bullies.
I don’t think anyone involved actually thought of themselves as a bully. I’m sure they thought they were including me in their reindeer games, and it’s my fault that I didn’t understand how those games work. But on my end, the word “scouting” meant getting teased, hit, tormented and basically just having life suck a little more. More than one leader asked me if I wasn’t being “just a little over-sensitive” and assured me that it was “all in good fun”.
My parents probably didn’t know what was really going on, because naturally I didn’t tell them. Like any kid in that situation, I instinctively knew that getting parents involved would just make it worse. People would promise to be nice, and as soon as they thought they could get away with it, they would make my life worse than ever. Indeed, that’s exactly what happened the one time I did actively take a stand and flat-out refuse to go on a particular camping trip. After three or four people sat around and talked at me for a couple of hours I relented and drove up to the campground with a leader who spent the entire drive complaining about how I had made him miss all the fun. Once we were the there and the leaders were all in their tent my life became a world of all the best in boy-on-boy attacks that could be carried out silently.
Out of desperation my parents informed me that I wouldn’t get a driver’s license until I was an Eagle Scout. This was a good lesson in ineffective threats. I had no particular desire to drive, so I simply let my mom drive me where ever I wanted to go until I went on my mission. Even when I turned seventeen and they relented I refused to go to driver’s education or apply for a license. They made the rule, and they would have to live with it. As I was leaving on my mission someone asked me if I felt that scouting had prepared me for missionary service. At the time I said “not really” but years later I realized that what I really wanted to say was that I was still active in my faith not because of scouting, but in spite of it.
Bleh. All this is long past now. I’m all growed up, with kids o’ my own and a good job and a house and a beautiful wife and I’m livin’ the American Dream like nobody’s business.
So, naturally, I’ve been called3 to serve as a scout leader. Which means its time to try to let go of a lot of things.
I knew this day was coming. I knew it was coming because my wife bought a Suburban, and if you’re LDS and own a Suburban it’s only a matter of time before you’re given a scouting calling. They’re lowering me in gently; I’m starting as a Webelos leader, working with cub scouts (i.e. ten-year-old boys) instead of teenagers. And the world of scouting has improved significantly. The BSA has made a number of changes to ensure that the boys who are going through scouting today won’t be put through the misery I went through. The “Youth Protection Program” that all scout leaders must complete before they can work with the boys focuses on recognizing the signs of bullying and stopping it quickly. The hard part, in other words, won’t be the actual participation, it’ll be letting go of the anger and stress that have nothing to do with the people I’ll be working with now.
So, here’s to letting go. It’s not about me any more, it’s about making sure that the experience these kids have is a safe and happy one, and I can assure you that they’ll have at least one leader that has both eyes open, and will put a swift end to any bullying.